I’m back to the point it all started, back to the point when my life changed forever. It was at this point in my pregnancy when my pre-eclampsia was found and I was hospitalized with Lexi.

“I’m so scared that I’m going through all of this just to lose my baby girl!”

Sounding familiar? These exact same words left my lips while I was in the hospital with Alexia.

It has been a constant battle between mind and heart not to re-live every detail of the mere 5 days Lexi was here with me. Eyes staring at wires & tubes – fixated on her oxygen levels, having to remind myself to breathe because that was all I could do, was watch…and wait.

Then one day I was done waiting and I finally was able to hold my Little Princess. Yet this wouldn’t be a happy moment for me. I would have given anything to go back to the way it was, to the watching and waiting.
Instead, The NICU became my hell.

While the chances of something happening again aren’t as likely, I still have yet to shake this awful feeling that I’ve had. It’s like I’m watching a ticking clock, just waiting for the bomb to drop. This whole pregnancy has left me with me an overwhelming “knowing” that Emree is going to arrive way before she is supposed to. I’m not ready to face hell again…

The truth is that I feel more alone than ever. Lately I’ve been feeling myself pulling away from everything and everyone I love the most to the point I feel really disconnected. I’ve found it so much easier to hide within my own thoughts than deal with all that life has going on around me. I wish I knew what to do to pull myself out of this, but to be honest I just can’t figure out how.