Seven–That’s how old she would be today. It’s so hard to imagine what it would be like to have her here. I imagine constantly what it would be like to have her here with me. What would she look like? More like me or more like her dad? What would her favorite color, favorite food, favorite toys be? What would be the things that she loved most in life? Would she share any of my passions for Art, Dancing, Music, and/or Reading? Those are the questions that pop into my mind on a daily basis, but especially on her birthday. It is hard not to think about the milestones that I have missed and will continue to miss as each year passes.

So today will be a day of reflection, a day of grieving, and a day of thankfulness for the babies that I can actually hug a little tighter today. I would never wish this heartache on my worst enemy.

Happy Birthday my tiny angel! I love you so much!

I think one of the biggest changes is that I am going back to school. I am currently attending the New York Institute of Photography for a certificate in photography, but I plan on starting back to a major university this summer. I think my current plans are to get my Bachelor in Fine Arts with a minor in Business–but I’m still debating if that is the route I want to take. Either way I am actually looking forward to going back to school.

Another big change is that we are entering our countdown of our time left here in the land of Aloha! We know we’ll be leaving sometime this coming summer, but as of now we still have yet to hear where our next duty station will be. I’m having a hard time accepting that our time is coming to an end. Hawaii has become my home and I’m not sure I’m ready to jump into another move, another home. It’s also been even more scary for me knowing that we are coming closer to re-entering the civilian world. Michael is still planning on getting out at the end of this contract. As for my thoughts on that subject, we’ll leave that for another day…

I’m so grateful to all those who stood by us (Family, Friends, & our Military community) through such a difficult time–and happy we have such amazing friends that are like family to Miss Em here in Hawaii. I’m so looking forward to celebrating her special day with everyone tomorrow!

Also a quick thank you to those who have been voting for Emree  (#239414) in the photo contest! Your votes really have made a difference and I appreciate your support! <3

Click to view slideshow.

“Just Breathe”

The sound of my own breath slowly calms and quiets, and my hands don’t tremble quite so much. I never quite know when or where the panic will set in, but today is another one of those days where I have to physically remind myself how to breathe.

While most Mommies cherish this day, it is all too haunting for me. Please, don’t get me wrong, I feel extremely lucky to have Kincaid and Emree here with me. I love them with all my heart! My disregard for this day isn’t because they are any less special to me, but because I spent my first three Mother’s Days with empty arms and an aching heart. It is yet another reminder that one of my babies isn’t here for me to hold, and will never be again.

I’ve noticed that I tend to go into shutdown mode on days like these. Maybe it isn’t the best way to deal with this never-ending grieving process, but locking myself away from the world seems to be the only way I can manage sometimes.
I hate that I feel resentful towards others, strangers even, for not understanding my heartache. No mother wants to imagine saying goodbye to the child they hold in their arms. And the truth is though that while I would give anything to not feel so alone, I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

While this day hurts like hell, it is a special day and I want to take a moment for the people that make it so…

To my Mom; I’ve turned this day into a selfish one and I really am sorry for that. I probably don’t do enough to make you know how much I appreciate you! Flowers just aren’t enough! Thank You for standing by me and always being there when I needed you, even when we’re thousands of miles apart. I hope you are proud of who you’ve raised me to be. I love you, Mom! Happy Mother’s Day!!!

To my babies;
Kincaid,
I can’t believe how much you’ve grown. Most days I don’t even know how to keep up with you.  I hope you know that no matter how “big like Daddy” you get, you are always going to be my baby!

Emree,
You are just such a joy. Your beautiful smile is infectious. It’s impossible to stay upset while I’m listening to you giggle! Thank You for being such a happy little girl!

I love you both so much! You gave me hope when I thought it wasn’t possible anymore. Your smiles are what get me up in the morning. I am so lucky to have you two in my life and I can’t wait to watch you grow over the coming years. I love you! I love you! I love you!

……………..

And finally,
Lexi,
My beautiful beautiful princess…I miss you more than words can ever say. There is not a single day that goes by that Mommy doesn’t think think about you and wish I could wrap my arms around you.
Everything I do, Everywhere I go, you are with me….

Today my heart is aching for my friend, Eli. She was one of my first friends on this island, and while her family has moved elsewhere, I still appreciate that friendship to this day.
This week she and her two beautiful girls have to say goodbye to a wonderful husband and father, not because he was deployed, but because of a head-on collision here at home. I cannot imagine being in her shoes, but even trying to sends me into tears.

Sometimes we take for granted the days we have together. This horrible loss is a wake up call that we need to remember to appreciate our loved ones every day. Take the moment to tell them you love them that one extra time, because you never know when, god forbid, it will be you or someone you care about having to say goodbye.

I ask everyone to please keep Eli and Steven’s family in your thoughts as they struggle through this difficult time.

I realized tonight that I have just been making excuses for myself. I just can’t bring myself to sleep in our bed. I know we still didn’t a lot when you were home, but now I just can’t do it at all, even when I’m tossing and turning from the couch being uncomfortable. I kept telling myself that I needed to wash all the sheets, the bedding…the pillows and then I would; but now, it’s all done, the bed is made and I still can’t do it. I just can’t bring myself to sleep it alone. I want you there with me.

I know you say that you are in a “safe” place, but I still don’t watch or read the news. I figure it is just better if I don’t. I don’t want to sit and worry any more than I do. The fear of the men in uniform coming to my door is enough in the back of my mind. It sounds so morbid and sad, but the truth.

I’m proud of myself for handling this deployment so well. Seven weeks in and no breakdowns. Sure I’ve shed some tears, but I get up and take care of the kids, keep myself fairly busy, and do what I need to do. I have more faith in myself than I’ve had in a long time and that means a lot. I know now, that even though spending this time apart, for lack of better word “sucks”, that I can do this, that WE can do this; that I can do it again when/if it comes down to it. I really do believe the statement that a deployment can either “make or break you”. I’ve seen what it does to some relationships but I know that it truly is making us that much stronger.

I’m going to try and get some sleep. Morning comes way too soon…But that just means it is one day closer to you being home.

I love you!

Jess

“Thy mark is on me! I am not
the same Nor ever more shall be, as when
I came. Ashes am I of all that once I
seemed. In me all’s sunk that leapt,
and all that dreamed”

A year ago tonight was our first New Years in Hawaii and I spent it enjoying an evening with friends, new & old. The time between then and now a lot has changed. Shortly thereafter I found out that Michael and I were expecting. This year was filled with many challenges, including choosing whether we believed in termination of a child who we were told only had a very small chance of survival. After a difficult pregnancy we welcomed our tiny miracle into this world in August! I believe adding a second child to our home is probably the most momentous event to happen this year!

So I’m sitting, reflecting on this and the past year, ending 2010 in a very quiet evening! As any other year, it has had it’s ups and downs!
dealing with the fifth year since my beautiful first child was born and passed away,
celebrating my 4th wedding anniversary,
Turning the big 2-5 on a vacation in Missouri,
the beginning and (sad) end to an amazing friendship,
a hundred (about) doctor’s visits and hospital bed-rest,
the first 4 months of Emree’s life,
Kincaid turning 3!,
and a deployment to round it all off.

“I made no resolutions for the New Year.  The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.”
~Anais Nin

While one of the most popular New Years traditions involves making resolutions, I have decided to not “resolve” for anything and instead have hopes for what this coming year will bring! While yes, I hope I can continue to lose weight, exercise more, make more friends, and so on, what I hope more than anything is that I can find in myself whatever it is to truly feel happy, like I’m once again in my own skin and be myself once and for all..to quit trying to be what everyone else wants me to be and instead focus a little bit more on myself.

As a final note, I hope that the strike of midnight brings the beginning of a wonderful year, full of luck, for my friends and family around the world!

Happy New Year!